Staring at Lulu, Zariel sits frozen on her throne.
She’s right there.
Right there!
LOOK AT HER!
LOOK AT HER LOOKING AT HER!
The Brazen Bulls can end this right here, right now!
Maybe they can try talking it out first?
Sfiros of Gond, angelically reforged through the magic from the Sword of Zariel, wingishly wafts closer to the titular Zariel. “Hi,” he says. “We’re here to retrieve our friend, Lulu. Hey, Lulu! And also, redeem you. Zariel… You ready to get some redemption?”
A single tear drips down Zariel’s face. It’s pretty dramatic. A tear drips down my face right now just typing this. I'm sure a tear is dripping down your face just reading this.
Sfiros nods. “That tells me you’re emotionally available. Not really an answer, though. You just started crying…”
Zariel grimaces. She jerks away from Lulu, the trancing gaze shared between them now broken. The hollyphant drops to the ground, gasping with her trunk. It sounds like this: PFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!
“You found it!” Lulu exclaims with one final PFFT.
“Found what?” Sfiros asks, no PFFT required.
They’ve found so much lately… and stole a lot too! Actually, I’m pretty sure they’ve done a whole lot more stealing than finding over the past several episodes.
“I think she means the Sword,” Caeus says, pointing at the weapon.
“Oh yeah, I totally found it!” Sfiros says, which is actually true. No stealing involved in that caper! “Look how cool I look now! We’ve both got wings now!”
They DO both got wings now!
“Zariel tried to corrupt me,” the haggard hollyphant whimpers. “But there’s still something good in here. I’ve been trying to hold on to it, but the dark powers are so strong. I think she can be redeemed.”
“I told you!” Sfiros shouts back at the other minotaurs.
“Lulu, what are you wanting her to be redeemed for anyway? What are you wanting her to do?” Tallest asks, deeming the meaning of this redeeming as seeming so much like scheming.
“If we purge Asmodeus’s influence on her, she could ally with us against the devils and demons and save Kinchasa,” Lulu explains.
No one asks who Asmodeus is or what he has to do with any of this. They all assume they should know and either forgot or just weren’t paying attention, so none of them mention it. They don’t want to look stupid or anything.
Come to think of it, a few episodes ago they had a flashback where they witnessed Zariel fall, but really she just teleported into a battle, banished Baphomet, and peace’d out. Asmodeus and her fall weren’t mentioned.
But again, everyone in the Herd–excuse me, Brazen Bulls–glosses over this fact because either no one wants to be outed as a Lulu-forgetful-saurus or because they were all so out of step with this campaign they don’t even notice the plot.
Anyway,
Lulu, the amnesiac hollyphant, remembers a key plot point that “the hero who becomes one with the Sword of Zariel exists no longer.” Which is great because even the DM kind of forgot about that–so much was forgotten that we forgot to remember it!
“Give it to her!” Sleipnir screeches. “It’s literally got her name on it.”
“No…” Sfiros says, showing them what the sword actually says.
“If you give it to her, she will exist no longer,” Tallest points out.
“You better be ready,” Sfiros says. “If this goes sideways and she’s not redeemed…”
“You think this is a good plan?” Caeus asks. “Let’s give our super weapon to the enemy?”
Zariel remains silent, haggard, withered, pathetic. She looks like if someone were to toss a javelin at her, she just might keel over.
Sfiros approaches the dilapidated despot and presents the iconic Sword to her.
“We found your sword,” he says.
Zariel looks up, as if seeing the minotaurs for the first time… to be fair, the last time she saw them, a motorcycle exploded in her face–as well as one of the PC’s. She reaches out with a trembling hand.
Sfiros snatches it out of her way, adding, “You have to deserve it though.”
The Archduchess grimaces when her fingers brush against the magic weapon. Radiant light sears her flesh. Zariel gasps in pain, but the fallen angel holds firm, gripping the hilt tighter.
“I, Zariel, supplicate myself before the holy light of justice. If it should accept me, I vow to take up this blade in its service.”
Her words hang in the air, met with silence. Zariel glances up in agonized uncertainty.
In an instant, a bright radiant light washes over Zariel. Her fiery halo disappears. Feathers burst from her leathery wings. All diabolical features vanish as her angelic form is restored.
Lulu gasps in delight. She also transforms into a celestial mammoth with golden fur, feathered wings, and gleaming tusks. With her newly massive trunk, Lulu toots the loudest, most victorious toot Hell has ever heard.
And that's sayin' a lot because there's been some fine tootin' lately in Avernus.
Zariel places a hand on Sfiros. “Thank you, servant of Gond.”
“Are you redeemed? You seem pretty redeemed,” Sfiros replies, his last words faltering. The avatar Sfiros glitters and gleams and sparkles away, leaving behind an echoing “Go with Gond.”
“Go with Ghom?” Caeus asks.
“That’s what I heard,” Sleipnir rumors.
“I heard Ghom, too,” Tallest says and looks to the evolved Lulu. “Isn’t Ghom like the mammoth god?”
The celestial ashes that were once Sfiros frantically reassemble briefly, shouting, “No! Gond! Gond!” before dissolving into nothing.
“We did it!” Sleipnir cheers.
“Did we win?” Caeus asks, pulling out a hellular phone. “Bel, we won, I think.”
“It’s time to right my wrongs,” Zariel pipes up. “It’s time to return Kinchasa to the land of the living.”
“Under one condition,” Caeus demands.
“We want magic items,” Tallest says.
“And credit,” Caeus adds.
Zariel dismisses the petty desires by granting the Brazen Bull an enchantment of flying and letting a glimmering shade of Sfiros stay with them for one day.
Her next gift: ending the Blood War.
The Brazen Bulls watch from the flying fortress as Zariel and Lulu soar to the devils vs. demons below and slaughter the hordes. There can’t be a war if everyone is dead, right? Sounds like a solid solution to me!
An explosion from Kinchasa shakes the fortress and reveals the demon lord Baphomet stomping through the city with his evil beings.
“Kinchasa is mine!” the Horned King bellows, smashing through Gideon Magician’s defenses.
The Brazen Bulls fly to the broken Kinchasa and engage the minotaur demon Baphomet in battle.
In what is the deadliest, most difficult fight of their lives, the Brazen Bulls pull out all their tricks! Lightning strikes, celestial cows, polymorphed dinosaurs, and being tall all play an important part.
Guess what. They win.
The final blow to the biggest boss they’ve ever fought goes to… hmm… how about Odin. You remember Odin? Sleipnir’s nightmare steed. Yeah, he can kick sometimes.
And kick Odin does!
The nightmare steed crunches Baphomet’s face in, sending him spinning horns over hooves between the two halves of Kinchasa.
Everything beneath Kinchasa, all the hordes of demons and armies of devils and redeemed celestials fighting them and any innocent damned souls hanging around the River Styx and any guilty souls, too, they all ignite in an explosion of hellish fire. The flying fortress self-destructs. The entire plane rattles.
Zariel, the redeemed angel, flies up from the blast, mounted on Lulu.
The demons and devils are all gone.
Zariel flies to the sphere of damnation, strikes it with her Sword, and the sky ignites. An energy wave explodes across the landscape.
Remember the Demonzapper? There was a dao (rock-genie) trapped inside powering the thing. That’s because radiant, holy energy is needed to fuel zappy powers in Avernus.
Remember how the sphere of damnation has been zapping stuff? Caeus remembers, he uses it in combat. That’s the same sort of zappy power.
Well, think of what super strong holy power would be needed to power the entire sphere of damnation. Keep thinking. I’ll give you a hint.
It’s Valour!
He’s a dwarf now, remember!?
Zariel returns to the Brazen Bulls as Kinchasa falls to the ground. She’s cradling a blond dwarf wearing paladin armor.
“Only the holiest beings could power such a sphere,” Zariel says. She gently sets him down in front of Ellison and the Brazen Bulls.
Zariel destroys the chains pulling down on Kinchasa.
The stolen city stops with a stable hover a few feet from the ground.
“We did it!” Sleipnir cries.
“Does anyone know how to contact an otter wizard?” Caeus asks. “Do we just leave Kinchasa here? It seems fine now.”
“I need to recoup my powers and my celestial armies. Avernus is without a ruler,” says Zariel the Archduchess of Avernus. “I will send you and the city I love back to the Material realm. A path has been laid out for you. Powers on the other side desire the return of this mote of civilization.”
Zariel casts a spell. Power blankets the damned city like snow. The Brazen Bulls and all of Kinchasa fade out of the Avernal Plane.
A bright white light might blight their sight, but it’s finite.
They regain their vision and feel themselves in the Material Plane.
Calimshan, the desert region Kinchasans called home, is in view. But there is another force pulling on Kinchasa. An ancient power with the stench of death magic firmly grasps the city. The stars vanish.
Everyone is thrown to the ground. The stink of Hell is gone, but the white hot sands of Calimshan don't replace it. The air is too humid and too fecund to be desert.
They hear the lapping waves of a beach and the avian cries of a jungle canopy.
Kinchasa is surrounded by freshly excavated piles of dirt, as if a place in the jungle had been specifically carved out for their city.
A loud yelp of joy pierces through the cacophony.
The minotaurs see the source of the sound, the source of their presence in this strange jungle. It’s a strange figure.
Can you guess who? I’ll give you a hint:
It’s 🌱!
The spores druid dances in glee, the amulet of damnation swinging wildly around his neck. 🌱’s long-held plan of bringing a group of minotaurs to him in Chult has finally come to fruition!
“Good enough for me,” Caeus says. “I think we did it.” His power armor shows him that they’re in the northern part of Chult.
<I’m glad she’s gone,> Bel says from inside their minds.
<Hey Bel!> Caeus thinks. <We’re gone, too! Also, Kinchasa is gone!>
A visage of Bel manifests in front of them. “I have a lot of planning to do, and I’m willing to give you the first offer. I’ve been inspired by the will of the forge,” Bel says, revealing a sword. “I have learned I can make my own spiritual weapon by imbuing it with the soul of a very pompous deity.”
Where the Sword of Zariel was beautiful and radiant, this sword is demented and chthonic.
“Would any of you like the title of Archduke of Avernus?” Bel asks. “Avernus needs leadership.”
“I think we should let baby Zanzibar have Hell,” Caeus says.
“He’s too young. I’ll do it, as a steward. I don’t want to be down there forever,” Sleipnir pipes up. “Just until baby Zanzibar is old enough.”
“Sleipnir Anacos,” Bel starts, “vanquisher of the demon minotaur lord Baphomet, destroyer of the flying fortress–”
“Yeah, we’re going to need another one of those,” Sleipnir interrupts.
“Let’s talk leadership,” Bel says and offers the shadow sorcerer the magic sword.
Sleipnir accepts the sword, and the two of them vanish with a puff of ash.
“We did it!” Caeus cheers. “The Material Plane is truly saved this time.”
With Sleipnir in a different plane, his polymorph spell drops, turning Tallest back into a minotaur (he was a T-rex for all that stuff you just read–even I forgot–hold on and let me fix it.)
Tallest and 🌱 see each other for the first time. 🌱 involuntarily casts barkskin on himself. Tallest feels compelled to give the wood elf jewelry. It’s like they’re made for each other, by each other. And they live happily ever after in Chult.
The rest of the Herd also get endings.
Sfiros of Gond dissolves back to the good steam in the Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus.
Caeus Anacos tinkers with the schematics of the flying fortress, improving it for commercial use. He decides to find the otter wizard to set up a gateway to proudly visit his brother, the Archduke of Avernus.
Even Elrich Beremon, the anthropomorphized motorcycle dad, returns to the Material Plane as an un-anthropomorphized motorcycle.
You remember Elrich?
That’s ok.
Neither do we!
But you know what we did remember? To RSVP to a very important event...
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